Our party descends the staircase leading from the item shop to the dungeon below. At the bottom of the stairs is a room with five doorways leading in opposite directions. THRAX whips out his copy of the guide manual and reads from it:
THRAX: "'... In the first room of the dungeon you'll find your first task... picking which way to go. One way may be the 'easy way', the rest of them may be fraught with peril... or maybe they're all the same. Regardless, each pathway from this room will take you through all six levels and will lead you to the Great Crimson Chamber. Knowing all this, which way will you go?!?'"
Each doorway is shrouded in what appears to be dry ice vapor and red lights to where you can't see what's on the other side without going through it. Everyone stands around for a second scratching their head, then suddenly THRAX steps up and walks through one of the doorways. CHRIS and Alys follow behind him. TRITHAL thinks for another second, then motions his group to accompany him through another doorway. Then, finally, Palledoris and her group pick a doorway of their own.
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In the room opposite the doorway THRAX's group enters stand six Cave Goblins poised for battle.
BATTLE MODE ON
THRAX (LV 17; 73/73 HP; 110/110 SP; 2341/3000 EXP)
CHRIS (LV 13; 76/76 HP; 88/88 SP; 1707/3000 EXP)
Alys (LV 20; 79/79 HP; 100/100 SP; 2732 EXP)
Cave Goblin 1 attacks CHRIS with 'DEAD LEG' which disables CHRIS's left leg, leaving him unable to stand. CHRIS loses 12/76 HP as he falls flat on his ass.
THRAX uses 3 SP and copies a move from Mortal Kombat 3... in which he peels off his face like a mask and breathes fire on the goblins. Each goblin loses 12/80 HP.
Cave Goblin 2 rushes THRAX and swings a club at him. THRAX dodges the attack and loses on HP.
While sitting on his gimp ass, CHRIS withdraws the manual to the Wizard's Staff and searches for a useful attack; as Cave Goblin 3 swipes at Alys with a dagger. Alys isn't fast enough to dodge the attack, and therefore loses 19/79 HP.
CHRIS: "Hey Thrax! I found a silly spell... It's called 'Temporary Insanity'. Personally, I have a severe case of 'permanent insanity'... heh-heh-heh..."
THRAX: "Chris, now is not the time for silliness! We're kinda in a life-or-death situation here, so unless you're being useful, SHUT UP!"
While distracted by CHRIS, Cave Goblins 5 & 6 do a combined melee attack on THRAX which catches him completely off-guard, resulting in the loss of 21/73 HP.
Deciding to listen to THRAX and be useful, CHRIS attempts to cast 'Temporary Insanity' on one of the goblins, but soon realizes that the part of the instructions which say 'This attack will be reflected by goblin-type enemies' wasn't just there to be silly. The attack bounces off of Cave Goblin 4 and hits CHRIS. CHRIS is now infected with a confusion curse... believe it or not.
TRHAX: "Damn it, Chris! You're useless!"
Alys uses 7 SP and casts 'Blessed Rain' on the group. The Physical Defense of all three increase.
THRAX copies yet another move from Mortal Kombat 3 and unleashes 'Bicycle Kick' on Cave Goblin 4. Cave Goblin 4 loses 22/68 HP.
Cave Goblin 3 bites CHRIS's dead leg, to which CHRIS screams like a little girl like he did way back in Episode 3 when the carnivorous plant bit his wee-wee off. CHRIS loses 14/64 HP.
CHRIS attempts to bitch-slap Cave Goblin 3, but still being confused hits himself... resulting in the loss of another 4/50 HP.
Alys decides that this fight has gone on long enough and uses 30/100 SP to cast 'Cataclysmic Judgment'. A platoon of ArchAngels swoops in from a portal that suddenly appeared in the wall behind the group and attacks all six goblins. All except Cave Goblin 2 (who now only has 8 HP remaining) are defeated.
Cave Goblin 2 proceeds to hurl numerous rocks at the group. Alys loses 2/60 HP; THRAX is unaffected; and CHRIS loses 15/46 HP... just because he's CHRIS. 'Nuf said.
CHRIS is still sitting there on his gimp ass hitting himself, losing 8/31 HP. With friends like him, who needs enemies? Huh?
THRAX: "That's the most-retarded thing you've said so far, Smilin' Bob!"
Yeah, up yours, THRAX! Moving along... THRAX copies a move from Final Fantasy 1 and casts 'Crack'. THRAX whips out a glass pipe then... oh wait... wrong kind of 'Crack'. Instead, a spiderweb of cracks appear all over Cave Goblin 2's body, then after a few seconds the goblin shatters like a window on a trailer house in a tornado. Cave Goblin 2 is dead.
THRAX: "I stand corrected... THAT was the most-retarded thing you've said so far, Bob!"
Don't blame me! I'm just reading from the script Evil Ray gave me.
THRAX: "Maybe he should stick to hauling pizzas."
Careful... he may be listening!
THRAX: "Pfft! Who cares? I don't!"
Obviously...
BATTLE MODE OFF
THRAX and Alys gain 356 EXP for doing the most fighting. CHRIS just gains 82 EXP simply for being present.
THRAX GAINS A LEVEL:
LV 17>18; HP 73>75; SP 110>115
CHRIS GAINS A LEVEL:
LV 13>14; HP 76>78; SP 88>90
After Alys copies a move from an RPG she saw AXEM play once and spends 10 SP to cast 'Group Hug' on the group and restores everyone's HP...
THRAX (LV 18; 75/75 HP; 107/115 SP; 2697/3000 EXP)
CHRIS (LV 13; 78/78 HP; 80/90 SP; 1789/3000 EXP)
Alys (LV 20; 79/79 HP; 53/100 SP; 2732 EXP)
THRAX lights a death stick as GROUP ONE moves on to the next room...
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On the other side of GROUP TWO's doorway is a long hallway. It takes about the same amount of time to reach the end of this hallway as it did for GROUP ONE's first battle. While making their way through, GROUP TWO engages in discussion. (Betcha didn't see that coming, did ya? You did? Aw crap!)
TRITHAL (to Jeff): "Feeling any better?"
Jeff (buzzed): "Yeah, man! It's all good now!"
TRITHAL retrieves his pipe from Jeff to find most of the contents spent.
TRITHAL: "Damn, Jeff! You smoked about 7 GP worth of shit! Are you gonna be alert enough if we go into battle?"
Jeff: "Sure, man! I'm more alert now that I've ever been!" (staring at walls) "Man! That's some kick-ass looking stonework! I'd bet someone spent a shitload of money building this place!"
TRITHAL: "Jeff, please tell me you've gotten high before... cuz if this is your first time you're gonna be fried for a while after smoking this much."
Jeff: "Of course I've gotten high before, man! ... at least I think I have... Now I don't know for sure...."
Danika: "Nice going, Trithal-san! Your underling is as high as a kite now."
Anri: "Yeah! Wasn't he supposed to come along to learn to fight or something? Now he can barely walk straight!"
TRITHAL (to girls): "Ya know, I wouldn't even have this problem if your 'messiah' hadn't spilled the beans about me having Minako's memories! Now, not only is the mental state of my assistant master in question, but most of the dub I bought yesterday is gone! You know, knowing all of Thrax's obvious defects, I can't understand how he could ever be seen as someone's god."
Anri (somewhat offended): "You obviously lack faith, Trithal-san. There's no way you could understand our beliefs."
TRITHAL: "Anri, there's a fine line that seperates faith from ignorance, and the two are often confused. Take Christianity for example: Christians are said to have 'faith' when they believe that, whenever they get themselves into trouble, an omnioptent being is gonna come to their rescue like Superman or something... and not even scientific proof to the contrary can convince them otherwise. That's the very definition of ignorance."
Dankia: "Wow! That's insightful and logical..."
Anri: "Trithal-san, why do you hate Christians so much?"
TRITHAL: "I don't hate Christians... I hate their ideology."
Jeff: "Dude, you are sooooooo right!....."
Jeff goes into stoner-fied rambling about why he thinks Christianity, and religion in general, is bogus.... and by the time he finishes, the group reaches the doorway to the next room.
In the next room, the group is confronted by two BONE CYTEs who are barely powerful enough to make this battle worth scripting... in fact it's hardly worth mentioning at all. Bottom line, the party ends up gaining 53 EXP for 5 seconds' work.
TRITHAL (LV 17; 88/88 HP; 79/79 SP; 2160/3000 EXP)
Anri (LV 20; 80/80 HP; 100/100 SP; 2695 EXP)
Danika (LV 19; 77/77 HP; 100/100 SP; 2419 EXP)
Jeff (LV 10; 59/59 HP; 51/51 SP; 1077 EXP)
No one levels up. What a waste of time! GROUP TWO moves on...
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... Well, shit! I was gonna script out some of GROUP THREE's battles, but it would appear that they've already made it to the next level. The enemies in this dungeon must not be putting up much of a fight. Let's go find GROUP ONE...
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... and there goes GROUP ONE... They have just defeated another set of enemies and have moved on before I could even query their stats. It appears they, too, are on their way to the next level. I guess CHRIS is now totally free of that curse he put on himself because he's walking with both legs and not hitting himself anymore.
I'm getting way too old to be trying to keep up with these guys... especially when they're split up into 3 groups like this. Let's go to Level Two...
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